September 12th, 2007

Wednesday 12 September 2007.

Rubber tyre's outside the window are beginning to ebb away,darkness has crept forward to blot out the suck of human endevour.The wireless button does not hold any attraction,the repeated half hourly bulletin's i have been caged in by have left their footprint firmly crunched among the crazy street mix i have boxed my mind into,to keep some form of sanity,in the ever out pouring of rules.
I only hope the coming gargoyles,goblins in pink laced hob-nailed boots, will obliterate some of the left over dreams from last night and for once give me some peace in the still hours,i thought childhood dreams were bad,the cracking of wall paper,fluttering curtains holding dancing scally-wags,crocodiles raging under the bed,were they after my jammie cords or my little pink toes,adulthood seamed a far off a welcome relief,somehow i could not quite make out the coming of the chicken wire,from amongst the covers of that single bed, where rowing the oceans,searching for Champagne super nova's was a passion to keep all away.
Being a single child had it's downfalls,darkness creeping from all four corners was one of them.Solitude in daylight then was not,was that selfish thoughts,or bravery in the face of hopelessness,would i have been any different today if i had siblings..would i still have been me.Me never goes away,never sleeps.It tosses between melancholy madness and self love.Three things moved me today,asked questions of myself....a blog asked a is probably not right word...can love only break a heart....will it become a word as quick fire as pop-corn,as sure as " fuck " from the mouths of babes,the bridge of Jakarta,is as fresh as ever,my first luv has never vanished...I delivered today to a pregnant women,they say a women blossoms when carrying child..i do indeed wonder..she clearly looked worn out,if she could have unzipped her belly,i am sure she would have done,as strangers we joked a few words..i came away..thinking gosh what will the state of the planet be when that child reaches my age..what will the figure 2057 it a good job women can cut such thoughts off,when humping away to feel the sea of sperm the urge to be with child in the mind or body.i left thankful i no longer have to make such a decision.
I walked home in the afternoon sun,relieved that the working day finished with a final key lock in my tiny red van..School children were pouring by, leaves in a stream,laughter,screams,fuck, as loud as if it was the word bugger from my generation an eyelid not blinked between us...i strode on....before me on the bend was a lad tormenting another there was no laughter..i could feel it growing inside myself all that pent-up childhood bullying endured flooding back, the dark human urge to smash,to protect from what i had to say something..i had to walk on,not look back,political correctness would lynch me,but i had to say something.But was i right.