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Sunday 1st February 2009.

40 years ago this month i had been at boarding school nearly one month.
18 years ago i calculate i would have been sat in L.A.airport lounge waiting for a flight to Sydney....i have pulled,dusted, my 1991..diary..and sods law has today blank..my last entry..was Thursday 31st January 1991..written inside Santa Monica Youth Hostel...

" Came to the USA with so many beliefs and ideas of what this promised land would be like.Most of them unfounded.You have to be out there amongst the humans to see the real story of life. ".etc..etc...

I only kept one diary whilst at boarding school i pulled that out this morning...Letts Schoolboys Diary 1969

" Sunday Jan 5th.." arrived at school the lads are alright i am in dorm 8..my locker is SP48..."

" Saturday 1st Feb..Wakefield crying by Hollas.Great game of rescue,Wright kicked me in the face. "

I kept this diary for most of the year and i think a year beyond there was only enough room for simple scribbles of one line or more in the blank days are autographs from old boys and those who did not move on when i did...Sometime ago when empty wine bottles were building up on the table my father said that he regretted sending me to boarding school it was just a simple statement that came right out of the blue and retreated just as quick...he did not enlarge the words surrounding such an utterance nor did i saying anything..there really was nothing one could say.We simply opened another bottle of wine.
Those years spent at boarding school have dominated my life..i cannot think of a stretch of time when some small memory has not worked its self into my thoughts..i do not regret such a phase in my life i do not sit brooding what if..there were good times,rough,ready times,a deep crush that went beyond simple thoughts...I do wonder if had i not gone..would i have still been a transvestite....would i still have been a bisexual..would i find it so easy to slip naked between the sheets with either sex and not feel guilty,to hide behind curtains afraid of the pleasure i had found within those moments when two humans are not trying to kill each other but give simple delights in this unremorseful world.
There was a considerable amount of bullying...flicking through the diary swathes of pillow fights..slipper fights between dorms, coming back to my mind is the wrecking of beds also all part of the BILLY BUNTER image....all one liners they seem written with happiness there is no mention of personal bullying which went on..i think that has effected me more than anything..even at my age of 53..and i see a boy being bullied in the school playground as i pass..i want to punch,lash out...

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
foucaultonacid
Feb. 1st, 2009 10:50 am (UTC)
yes...

what dominates my regrets were times i joined in
hartsong1972
Feb. 1st, 2009 02:41 pm (UTC)
Feb. 1969, you were just beginning to count the months at boarding school. I was counting the months until June 1 1969 when I would be released from boarding school. February was forever a bleak month. Girls were bullies too, halfway across the world. I have no tangible memories such as a diary of those miserable years. The closest I have is an old 42RPM of Janis Ian's "At Seventeen" Given the choice between growing older and being a teen again I'd chose growing older hands down! Funny, years later I found out my parents regretted sending me to boarding school as well. As parents we do the best we are able.

"Someone" gave me a beautiful new diary... I'm filling it with daily joys. :-)

xoxo
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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