bichoose (bichoose) wrote,

Tuesday 19th October 2010.

Over the weekend,i was told i was emotionally dysfunctional,at the time i simply laughed,laughter has been my main armament when i feel under attack,i find that such laughter blocks any reasoning's to sit and ponder over such words at that immediate time,it is only later amongst the days weeks passing that such questions filter through to gurgle around my cobwebs from the past, the hubble bubble pops,fuzzes memories cascade each one pouring forth until the set words thrown my way melt,mean nothing but the memory from whence they came.
If there was one word to describe the family i have wallowed in up to the year 1989,then dysfunctional is the dreaded X-factor ring fencing every movement i perhaps made during my time within the confines that i called family in those dark days. I say perhaps because i feel no guilt to the fact i no longer want to open doors to peak at the bare bones slumped in the cobwebbed corner,perhaps people should have thought of their actions and glimpsed in the future,as to what might have been.
But i am not perfect either,i can only say in my defense that i played the cards in my hand the best i could, and i not only thought of myself in every action or is that simply my defense along with laughter.
Today i am going to be selfish a word much used to describe me over many years and say i am thankful i am the only one born of one particular women....whom i have not talked to in weeks yet feel no guilt...maybe loss yes maybe wishing things had been better perhaps but guilt not in the deepest darkest chocolate cake and thank goodness for chocolate cake eaters may they long climb the purple vein together.

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